| Instant Internet Dating Success? | | | | feel comfortable about everything immediately. He |
| So you have been ploughing through those | | | | is suggesting dinner again, you don't really want to |
| endless profiles on your internet dating site and | | | | but you are not sure what you want to do so |
| have come up with someone who interests you. | | | | you go along with it. You had arranged to see a |
| There has been an exchange of emails. He sounds | | | | girl-friend that night but you tell her you can't |
| fun and witty and you begin to look forward to | | | | make it, she seems a bit put-out but you put that |
| his messages. You find yourself getting up earlier | | | | thought aside. |
| in the morning just to log on whilst you drink your | | | | The second evening seems very long. |
| coffee to see if he has sent a response to your | | | | - Too much too soon - It is so tempting to put all |
| latest remarks. During the day you find yourself | | | | your focus on one person at a time when you |
| compiling witty replies in your head and suggestive | | | | are looking to date on the internet. But it is |
| lines to throw his way. This has gone on for a | | | | important to remember that not only are all those |
| couple of weeks and he suddenly asks if he can | | | | people out there looking at numerous people at |
| call you. Your chest expands; you are really | | | | any one time but you could be too. If you put |
| excited and arrange a time. Now you are curled | | | | most of your time and energy into any one |
| up in your favourite chair waiting for the call. | | | | contact at a very early stage this means that |
| Guess what it goes well, the same light banter, his | | | | you cannot scout, screen and sort other possible |
| voice is not what you expect but that is OK. You | | | | people. |
| talk for an hour. This becomes a daily ritual which | | | | - Dating Advice #1: Don't make a big investment |
| you begin to plan your time around. And then he | | | | emotionally in any relationship without solid |
| invites you to dinner... | | | | foundations. |
| Preparing for that 'first' date | | | | - Throwing money at it - Recent research has |
| It has been a while since someone invited you out | | | | revealed that online daters are spending up to |
| to dinner (you may be just starting dating after | | | | £1,500 a month taking out people who they |
| your divorce). Your immediate thought is what to | | | | realise, after the first 15 minutes are not for |
| wear, need my hair done etc. This means that | | | | them. (Independent, June 2005) Remember be |
| you spend the best part of a week running | | | | authentic, the packaging is only that and is not |
| around with the one thought in your mind "I must | | | | who you are. Meeting for a cup of coffee or a |
| get this right". You seem to have disappeared and | | | | drink will give you enough time to assess whether |
| you feel that you need to invent a new person to | | | | this person is someone you want to know better. |
| go on this date. In order to be that person you | | | | - Dating Advice #2: Packaging is not the answer, |
| have to package yourself in some particular way. | | | | be clear about who you are, what you want in a |
| There must be some key that you can find, a | | | | relationship and set about finding it in a considered |
| particular dress, new haircut etc. You believe that | | | | way. |
| you need to make yourself more appealing. | | | | - Thinking you know this person - We can easily |
| Is this a Relationship? | | | | be seduced by email conversations and late night |
| The evening has arrived and you meet at the | | | | telephone calls. Apart from the actual chemistry |
| arranged restaurant (good step, as all the dating | | | | that is missing in these exchanges there is that |
| advice recommends that you meet in a public | | | | part that you know very well yourself, where |
| place). You are especially nervous and excited but | | | | you just reveal what you want at any given time. |
| also slightly uncomfortable because the shoes are | | | | If you know what your requirements are in a |
| new and you feel a bit wobbly in them. It is | | | | relationship this will help you assess quite quickly if |
| strange you recognise this person but at the | | | | this person is for you. Most of us allow things to |
| same time you don't. The voice you know that | | | | just drift along and are not pro-active in having a |
| but he does not look like the person in the | | | | plan for ourselves when it comes to relationships. |
| photograph, taller, shorter a bit heavier or gangly | | | | - Dating Advice #3: How is it we plan for |
| something is not as you imagined. Anyway he | | | | everything except relationships? Take some time |
| seems quite at ease but maybe that is just a | | | | to plan what you want in a relationship before |
| contrast to how you are feeling. Initially | | | | you get into a habit or rut with someone. |
| conversation is going well as there are points of | | | | - Fantasy - it's only in your head - It is very easy |
| contact from your previous conversations but it | | | | to live in the fantasy of a relationship even from |
| isn't going anywhere. By the main course you are | | | | a very early stage. After all that is why you have |
| starting to drink a little too much to fill in the | | | | signed up on the dating site in the first place - you |
| silences. Your feet really hurt now and you are | | | | want a relationship. However, being truthful with |
| taking surreptitious glances at your watch - only 9 | | | | yourself is easier if you have a relationship plan. |
| o'clock. No dessert thanks and by the way you | | | | Then you can ask yourself, from the information |
| have an early start in the office tomorrow so | | | | you have so far, does this person tick some of |
| you have to go soon. Can't think of anything but | | | | my boxes. If so then you can continue to find out |
| getting out of the shoes. Yes it was good, do call | | | | more about them whilst finding out about other |
| me... | | | | people at the same time. Projecting onto any one |
| Fantasy Relationships | | | | person, especially at a very early stage, all you |
| Next day or later in the week, the emails/calls are | | | | hopes and dreams is likely to bring you some |
| still coming and you continue to respond. It's a | | | | amount of pain and heartache when you find this |
| though you have never met and you can get on | | | | isn't going to work out. |
| with the easy going repartee that has become | | | | - Dating Advice #4: Spread the emotional load by |
| almost a habit. In your mind he is something you | | | | giving your attention to a number of people, it |
| want him to be, well not quite but you can have | | | | helps deal with the ups and downs of the dating |
| yourself believe that he is whilst you exchange | | | | cycle if you are not exclusive right from the start. |
| messages and late night calls. You are starting to | | | | - Not paying enough attention to the signals - it is |
| develop a whole life in your head around this | | | | amazing how quickly we can get ourselves into |
| person, you imagine where you can live with him, | | | | habits and relationships, however new, are one of |
| what you will do, holidays together in fact | | | | those areas. We all like attention and contact with |
| everything you ever want with someone. This is | | | | people but what about the rest of your life, those |
| taking up a lot of head space but that is | | | | friends who have been around for you, your |
| enjoyable in itself, you feel connected to | | | | family. Anyone who might be for you will, you |
| someone if only in your mind. | | | | hope, want to share life with a person who has a |
| Keeping Dating in Balance | | | | balanced life and that includes all the other |
| A week or so more and you are becoming | | | | activities and people in your life. Straining towards |
| slightly irritated by the emails and are not | | | | exclusivity at a very early stage and throwing all |
| responding quite so readily. But he asks you if you | | | | your time and attention towards the relationship |
| want to come out for another evening and that | | | | can be a disaster. |
| heart leaps to your throat again. You agree even | | | | - Dating Advice #5: Get out there and have any |
| though there is a vague memory of discomfort | | | | dating and relationships fit in with your life as a |
| from the first meeting. Well you remind yourself | | | | successful single. Know what your requirements, |
| that all the dating advice recommends that it is | | | | needs and wants are and look for someone who |
| about getting to know someone. I can't expect to | | | | can meet those. |